Before I married my clean freak husband, I used to be a mess.  And not even a hot one.  I’d do laundry, throw it on my bed and sleep on top of it for 2 weeks until I used all the clean clothes up and do it all over again.  The time I saved folding clothes was well spent at the chiropractor.  Not really.  My back is straighter than Ryan Seacrest hugging it out with Clay Aiken.

Nowadays I’m a pretty clean, minimalist wannabe, no clutter-type of person.  But what I’m NOT is a germophobe.  I laugh in the face of swine flu.  I’d eat off my own kitchen floor not because it’s clean but simply because I would.  More often than not, I eat fruits and vegetables without washing them… knowing that the field workers deliberately peed on mine.

I think it goes back to growing up in the wild on an island in Alaska.  I mean, I’m positive I ate a couple of moose turds along the way thinking they were chocolate truffles.

But now with all the H1N1 ruckus it’s kinda en vogue to be all up in arms about germs.  Antibacterial, antiseptic, antimicrobial are much cooler than shoulder pads, tuxedo shoes and boyfriend blazers.

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Victoria’s Secret has anti-bacterial germ wipes, soaps and hand gels.  This coming from the place that invented edible underwear.  (Ok, that’s probably not true.)

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from here

The hand wipes… in Pure Romance.  Because even when you’re de-germing, you should feel sexy.

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here

And if you really want to feel dirrrrty while being clean, there’s Ed Hardy hand sanitizer. 

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here

If for some reason dictionary.com called me up and asked me to define the term “sellout” I would kindly direct them here.  And then ask them if they’d like try some of mine.

If your style is a little more subtle and high end than Ed Hardy, then you have clean hands with Frais Hand Sanitizer.  The Australian company is sold at Miami’s exclusive Fontainebleau Resort spa.  You can get a ”serious sized Frais Hand Sanitizer designed for where you spend the most time” for a mere $29.  If they only knew I spend most of my time on toilet…..

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And for the truly neurotic, I have to pay homage to the ‘ol trusted and true Bath and Body Works.  They sell Deep Cleansing Soap, Moisturizing Soap, Gentle Foaming Soap, PocketBac, Hand Gel, Sanitizing Lotion, and Foaming Sanitizer.  seriously.  Someone’s gotta be making a buttload of money off this….

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I’ve decided to turn a corner in my life and be more proactive about my health.  So which sanitizer am I going to be toting around?  None, I actually decided to take it a step further and wear the mask. full time.  You can never too safe, right?

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Eminem in Paris.  He might take on every celebrity in his songs but he doesn’t mess around with swine flu.

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And winning the SkinnyRunner Dumbest Photo of the Day award, Speidi.  I’m sure those fame mongers have diseases much worse than H1N1.  Starting with retardation.

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Micheal Jackson was a visionary; he was wearing the mask WAY before it was cool.

But I’ve decided to go safe in style:

The swine flu, oh the sweet, sweet irony.

This guy uses Ed Hardy sanitizer, I just know it.

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Is it a blue deer?  A turquoise kangaroo?

 And making us all dumber for reading, Paris Hilton doesn’t think she’ll get swine flu…

A photographer caught up with Hilton and asked her if she was worried about it. She replied with:

“I don’t eat that.”

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Apparently she does eat Carl’s Jr burgers. in a bikini.  when she gets paid for it.